J. Alex McFarland, MD
Transitioning Into Practice as an Air Force Radiologist

As time passed, unfamiliar places became familiar. New friendships were forged. Old ways were relearned. New roles and responsibilities were lived into. The real possibility of overseas deployment was reconciled with. But the anticipated comfort and ease of functioning as an independent radiologist has been slower to develop. It’s difficult to shake the weight of the responsibility that now rests entirely upon my shoulders, one that I previously shared with attending radiologists much more intelligent and tenured than myself.
I’ve been waiting for the day when it would all click, and I would no longer feel a twinge of anxiety each time I signed off on a report — but that day hasn’t yet come. I’ve started to think that maybe it never will, and perhaps that’s a good thing. Maybe ridding myself of that feeling isn’t something I should pursue. What if it’s that gut-wrenching conviction that empowers me to offer patients my best, day in and day out? To lose that visceral experience could lead to being too comfortable, too confident or too motivated by the RVU.
Les Stroud, the Survivorman, says that courage is facing a challenge with a healthy fear, not being fearless. Maybe it’s an equilibrium of healthy fear and confidence that I need to pursue — fear of what a momentary lapse in concentration could result in for a patient, and confidence in the knowledge and experience instilled in me by my residency program and mentors.
But is it really okay to live with fear each day? Call it fear, call it conviction, call it drive to remember that the images you’re looking at are of real people with real loved ones — call it whatever you want. Just know that, once you’re out on your own, you’re going to experience that feeling, whatever name you give it. But instead of striving to someday rid yourself of it, perhaps you should embrace it. To lose it may mean to start dehumanizing your patients, putting your interests above theirs. But to accept it and live into it could translate into quality, compassionate care for your patients and being the best radiologist you can be.